i knew what i was going for. what i've always gone for. crash into things, headfirst. whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, doesn't it? and after the crash comes the quiet. the numbness.
emptiness. the automatic self-defence of the organism kicking in. a morphine-like trance, can too much pain make you crazy? and what if i already am? i remind myself about talking to people, how to do that. say hi first, ask how they are. be nice. answer calls. send birthday wishes.
i walk through the streets so close to the walls of buildings that i almost brush them with my shoulders. as if i could choose to be absorbed by the stone. melt into it and disappear.
tiring stuff, life. i had been dreaming about children these last few weeks. it had never happened to me before. a few nights ago, the last one. we were sitting on my grandmother's couch, but in the wrong room, and it asked me to promise i would never be lonely again.
